I've recently done one of those Myers-Briggs personality tests. I've done them in the past when I was a teenager, but at the time, I didn't give much thought to it. It turns out I'm an INTJ personality type - Introverted, Intuitive, Thinking, and Judging are the core personality traits of this type. Of course, these are just the course lines; many other thinner and more subtle lines do make a personality, and time and experiences are bound to change these.
Through the rabbit hole
I've always considered myself overly rational, at least in comparison to the world around me. Don't get me wrong, I also have feelings, and my temper sometimes takes the wheel, but my go-to mode is a quiet state of mind, where I'm always thinking about my future plans and what I have to do to achieve them. I'm always observing and analyzing in detail what others say, think, and behave. How the world works and why it works like so. It took a great deal of work and continuous persistence to get my emotions and feelings to breathe.
Growing up, we're constantly evolving and adapting our way of thinking, at least we should. We shouldn't settle for our first world view, nor should we settle for a comfortable one - at least because of these characteristics. Nevertheless, the mind has some tricks up its sleeve, and even though we might think we are in control of our motives, more often than not, we are just being tricked by our primitive brain. Our cerebellum has evolved for millions of years, while the distinctive feature that puts us on the top of the food chain and makes us Homo Sapiens Sapiens, the pre-frontal cortex, has just hatched. Whereas, we might think we are always on top of our decisions, this ancient mass tries to protect us by shielding us from harsh realities - definitely a survival mechanism.
Even though I've always assumed that rationality beats emotionality, this couldn't be further from the truth. I opted to ramp up my rational side and tune down the feelings I experienced. This characteristic does make a great robot - I'm sure you wouldn't buy a Roomba that, instead of vacuuming, preferred to hit continuously against a wall while giving out crying shouts. Unfortunately, this doesn't make you the best partner, friend, brother, or son. Not only that, but it also makes you incomplete and disconnected from the Real World. It made me tune out of real, heartfelt experiences and kept me in a bubble. Mourning, crying, and lamenting, despite bringing us down during the moment, are our lifelines, and we must use them. Above all, this behavior led me to feel a very focused and objective life, but at what felt like a sprinting pace. It made my days short and made me always look back with disdain at who/whatever was stealing my time and, therefore, my life. In retrospect, that somebody was me. I was the bigger culprit. When we allow ourselves to feel, the clock slows down, the floor we sit on is now cold and textured, we grasp for air, and we feel it inflate our lungs and souls. We feel like our life has another axis/dimension. It's no longer 2D.
The sunrise is more than the sun rising
The world is already running fast, and it's hard not to let ourselves be caught up in that rhythm. It feels like the world is conspiring against you, study this, do this. It's the only way. The clock goes as fast as you allow it. You are in charge, so act like it. Days don't go by fast if eventful; years don't fly by if remarkable. It's a sensitive balance between the now here and the now inside your head. Only the former is reality, and you should try to mold it into the latter, but never without losing sight of that third axis that makes it more than just a figment of imagination.
PS: This essay wasn't intended to be about this, I guess I just had to let it out.